Spaceships, Spiderman, and a Super Mean Boss

Alright.  The title of this post is a little bit of an exaggeration.  My boss wasn't mean - he just wasn't fully aware of the situation.  But I can write about it now because I don't work for him anymore.

Once upon a time I worked from home.  I had two small children and a crazy notion that my situation was idyllic.  I started working for a real estate development company when my children were 3 and newborn.  Things were manageable as my newborn slept alot and my 3 year old could entertain himself for hours.  But things changed radically once my youngest became mobile.

To keep my children entertained, I would convert the kitchen table into a spaceship right after breakfast.  I'd pull out the chairs and turn them around and then drape blankets over the table and chair backs.  I'd fix them snacks and put them in the "Food Processor" for when they were hungry later.  I gave them an old keyboard and mouse, cardboard "control panels" and several little balls that they could put in #10 cans for "Fuel" for the spaceship.  I'd stuff pillows and blankets under the table for them to sit on to be comfortable and once they were situated, I'd dash off to my office in the next room to make phone calls, return emails and process paperwork.

Kitchen Table Spaceship

One morning, my oldest son decided he was tired of the spaceship routine and wanted to do something different.  Being resourceful, he climbed up on a stool and found the huge spindle of kite string I had just purchased in anticipation of kite flying weather in the hall closet.

While he was doing this, I was on the phone with an irate vendor who demanded to know when she would be receiving a check for the products my employers had purchased from her company.  Since I was the liaison for the accounting department, I knew full well the financial situation of the project and there simply wasn't any money to send to this woman.  So I stalled.  I told her I would contact the accounting department and get back to her as soon as I could.  She was not happy with that response - but I had nothing else to offer her.  Once we hung up, I called the accounting department to inform the Controller of the call and ask if there was anything we could do to mollify this vendor.  No such luck.  The funds were not available.  Sorry.

As I sat there trying to figure out something to say to the angry vendor, my phone rang and I saw that it was my boss calling.  Oh good, maybe he could give me an idea of what I should say to the vendor.  I picked up the receiver and cheerfully greeted him. 

"I have [irate vendor] on the line with me," he began without preamble.  I cringed and spent the next few minutes listening to him and the vendor discuss the project and when she was going to get paid.  From the outer edges of my hearing, I detected a strange noise coming from the dining room where I thought my children were playing.  I sat still for a minute, pulling the phone away from my ear and hitting mute to listen closely to the strange noises coming from the other room.  My maternal instincts instantly went to red alert.  Without knowing what or why, I knew something was very wrong and I dashed out of my office and found something completely unexpected and surreal.

Every square inch of the dining room and adjoining family room was covered in an intricate web of kite string.  In the center of it all, my four year old was jumping up and down in a panic and when he saw me, began wailing at the top of his lungs "He is ruining my web!"  To my horror, I saw that my eighteen month old was completely entangled in the web.  He had managed to get so tightly wound in the string, I feared he was choking because his face was red.  But, once he saw me, he also started wailing. 

It still amazes me to this day that I was able to keep calm as I listened to the irate vendor holler about not getting paid on time, my boss trying to calm her down, and me trying to save my baby from near death, and quiet my four year old all at the same time.  I was so grateful my boss hadn't asked me any questions while I frantically unwound my baby from the web and urged my children to be quiet.  But the baby was still upset and inconsolable.  I trotted to his room and dropped him in his crib and then ran back to my office and closed the door against the continued shouts of my 4 year old. 

And then, my boss asked me a question. I unmuted the phone, answered the question.  That set off another tirade from the vendor.  I muted the phone and dashed back out to mollify my toddler and get him situated with a snack in the kitchen while I listened to the faint cries of my baby.  And to my dismay, my boss asked another question before I could get back to the office and so I answered him while pouring juice and making shh signs to my child.

Eventually the vendor calmed down, satisfied with my boss's solution to the problem and after she hung up, my boss said to me, "We really need to keep up a professional appearance.  I know you work from home, but our vendors don't know that.  We don't want them to know you work from home and have children because the image that they will have is diapers on your desk and toys everywhere." I could only imagine that he must have heard my baby crying in the background when I was in the kitchen and had to answer his question.  I bit back a sarcastic reply and agreed with him.  Once he hung up, I put my head on my diaper-free desk in my toyless office and cried.  A few moments later I retrieved my children, sat on the couch and cuddled with them as we read stories.  I didn't answer the phone for the rest of the day. 

I decided then that I needed to hire a nanny.  Working from home was no longer my ideal job. But that is a story for another time.

Until then, Eat well, Be Well and Be Happy.